Reciprocity

The first and last time I put myself out there and reveal my personal feelings to a guy, I get shot down like duck hunt. Ooh did I just reveal my age? Oh well, fuck it. Because it doesn’t matter what age you are if a guy is not interested in you then he shouldn’t lead you to believe otherwise. There is nothing wrong with saying, “hey, you’re not my type” Or, “sorry you’re not pretty enough” or how about, “Wow your personality sucks ass”. But I guess in a way all of those were said to me in few words or less. I chose to ignore it and hold on to some shred of hope. Even my friend told me flat you, “_____ don’t want your ass”. That hurt me to the core but then he said and did something to persuade my thinking. Being alone is fine with me, I like my alone time and I need it to stay sane. However, when I met this guy I knew that alone would no longer be apart of my vocabulary. In my thoughts my alone turns into, us, we, and together. Of course it’s plausible that I’m over thinking the entire situation, matter of face it’s confirmed that I’m over thinking the entire situation. While I sit mulling over the, ifs and ors he’s not giving my 2 thoughts, guaranteed. What the fuck happened to honesty man?? I’ll tell you what happened to it. People today are just insensitive fuckers who don’t give a fuck about the next person’s feelings. So what if I tell her I have feelings for her? I don’t. So who gives a shit!

Man and a nucka just don’t know how good of a companion I’d be. Leos love! Point blank period. We take care of ours and my dude would be well taken care of in every aspect. My gal pal would beg to differ, one in particular but if I’m into him and he’s into me then no one and nothing matters. Beyonce’ said it best in her song titled “Suga Mama”

It's so good to the point that I'd
Do anything to keep you home
Baby what you want me to buy
My accountant's waiting on the phone
Just the thought of making love to you
Dropping everything that's what I'll do
Whatever I get you putting it on
Now take it off while I watch you perform

And I've always been the type to take care of mine
I know just what I'm doing
Don't you worry it's cool and everything is steady
Puttin' you on my taxes already, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I promise I won't let no bills get behind
Cause every touch, every kiss and hug
You 'bes believe it'll be on time
Suga mama mama mama yeah yeah yeah

Old Dog New Tricks (my ass)

Well I’m 30. I’ll be 30 fucking ONE in a few weeks and I start by first day of college on the 23^rd of August. Pathetic, right, well I think so. I know it’s all about it never being too late and going after what you want when it’s the right time and never looking back or having regrets blah blah blah blah bullshit!

I know all of the positive shit that I’m trained to utilize but the negative is heavy as shit on my shoulders! The negatives have kept me down for 30 fucking years. Am I sick of being so negative, hell yes. Am I sick of being judged incorrectly, you damn right. Am I fed up with people thinking I’m as dumb as a fucking box of circles, right on! BUT still I am not strong enough to punch negativity in the face and embrace positivity as my new BFF.

I know in the back of my mind that I am not able to pull this college thing off successfully and I’ll end up owing money back for nothing and I’ll just add that cost to my list of bad credit bullshit! I’m confused and scared as shit because for one, my memory is jacked the fuck up! I can’t remember shit! All those years of playing house with Mary Jane’s bad ass has caught up with me.

Basically I have two areas of main interest which are Web Design/Development and Writing. Although I have never written, well “finished” writing anything in my life I like to think I have a pretty active and interesting imagination. I also think I’m funny as hell (or so I’m often told) but we all know people like, and that will come in handy when I bang out a bestselling romantic comedy I guess. See, high hopes + no self confidence = failure. In fact that’s my, whatchamacallit? Oh formula, that’s my formula.

Hh+NsC² =F

Well I settled for journeying toward a degree in English and I’ll minor in computer science I guess. Even though I’ll fail I guess failing is better than not doing anything at all because lets face it the only successful believe bullshit quotes like,

“If you put your mind to it you can become anything you want”

Or

“Hard work goes a long way”

And

“Reach for the moon and you’ll land on a star”

And my personal favorite

“Beauty is only skin deep” -- *crickets*

BOL!!!! Yeah I went a little off topic with that last one but come on people, that really is BULLSHIT and truly something that ONLY ugly people say!! Just like only fat people believe its ok to be fat because what skinny bitch you know lay awake at night and dream about being fat? They say things like, ‘oooh my goodness I wish I had two stomachs and back rolls’, or ‘dammit I fucking hate that I can stand here naked and see my pubic hairs without lifting up my second stomach’

I’m out! I’m running wild with this one, peace out suckas!!!!!

5 at 5!

Hmm… In no way is this rant aimed toward hurting feelings or declaring war, however due to sensitivity this will no doubt do just that. I can’t keep remaining silent! It’s getting painful to smile and hide the “fuck it” on my face. (Insert silent plea for help here)

You are no doubt wondering about the meaning of this blog title and I’ll get to that shortly. But first I’d just like to go on record in saying that everything happens for a reason and the steps we take each and every day lead us to the next. Oh, and I appreciate my position.

But… I am a grown fucking woman!

Before I continue, let me lay out a few facts for you.

ª Fact: I play a lot.

ª Fact: I like to laugh (studies show that laughing reduces belly fat)

ª Fact: I’m not always taken seriously as an adult because of my constant banter with those younger than I.

But… I am a grown fucking woman!

The only time I am treated like an adult is during work hours from 8-4:30 hence the title. It is at the stroke of 5 I regress back into a 5 year old girl and I’m under constant scrutiny. Why can’t I have company and be left alone? Why is every move I make watched? I pay my bills on time, I pay my rent on time whilst others are left to frolic immaturely and do whatever they please. Granted, my company in question is younger than me but come on now this is the 21^st century! You don’t only have to hang out with people your age because lets face another,

ª Fact: Some “older” folk are not always the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

I mean, it’s a sad day in America when your most intellectual conversation comes from children, not a jab at the children of course!

And…

ª Fact: Company In question is of legal age to do with whatever the hell I wanted IF he chose to do so. (and I meant that just how I wrote it)

Which brings me to another topic, dating younger than you? Yay or Nay? Look for it soon!

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Ok I’m trying this new, well new to me, Windows Live Feature to see if it works.   More Blogging to come!!!

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Time for a little R & R!

Why can’t the human race just be

simple and keep shit simple? I swear

for beans I do not want a committed

relationship.

But is a cud bud too much to ask for?

I mean really, somebody that’s

interested in me and finds me

interesting and attractive but

without all of the bullshit. He can just text on a regular basis, call every now

and then to see what’s up, stop pass with some green and drinks just to chill and

watch a movie or two but without all the B.S. that comes with a relationship. I’m

not answering to any man ever. No man will ever tell me to stay home, or dictate

who I can and cannot talk to. And I don’t want to have to train a man to be exactly

what I want. You are you and I am me and we just kick it, plain and simple. But

boys these days can’t even do that.

Express yourself without hurting other people’s feelings?

It’s been said that honesty is the best policy but if your honesty hurts someone you care about then is it worth being honest? I think that it’s better to keep 90% of your thoughts to yourself. If we let people know what we’re truly thinking then no one would have friends, lovers, even family. I’m a very negative person and I always think the worst but I think given all the circumstances that I’m slowly, very slowly, coming out of that stage. When I have a negative thought a silent positive follows a second later and it makes me stop for a minute and think. Thinking is my best friend. Walking around with my head hung low or a chip on my shoulder or mad and angry and sad all the time is not only bad for me but it makes the people around me feel horrible. I don’t want to make anyone feel uneasy or bring their spirits down. When you take your feelings out on others, no matter how what your feeling has nothing to do with them, you make it personal when you lash out at them, berate them or, in a sense, hate them. I’m tired of arguing and fighting and being down all the time. People tell me that I’m afraid to live and I’m starting to agree with them. I am afraid to live because if I let myself enjoy a life that was ripped from people that deserve it more than me then I feel guilty. But life wasn’t ripped from them. They are gone for a reason and although I miss them I have to live for me, because I am still alive and breathing and blessed. But you see the easy part is acknowledging all of this and the hardest part is, believing that it’s true. Lashing out at innocent people is mean, evil and makes you unpleasant to be around. People have hurt me in the past and I found that if I can’t forgive them then it’s easier to not deal with them at all. Because if I’m around them I’m not going to be nice as I’m hurt by what they did to me. There are also people in my life that have hurt me and I’m ready to forgive but I don’t know how. Is it too late to forgive? hmmm... more thoughts on this topic to come.

Ok just checking to see if my mobile blogging works.