Yep! this is the most exciting thing i've had to blog about in a long time! Now granted there are other humans that type WAY faster than that but Hotdammit it's a fucking victory for me so fuck ya'll mutherfuckers that utter "that ain't shit". Have a nice night all!!!!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Wasted Youth
I think I finally have a handle on the whole “still think I’m young” thing. People think that I’m immature or childish but the fact is that I like laughing and making people laugh and having a good joke or two. I don’t see a problem with that. If I sat around in a bitter state all day, that will become a problem as well. But that’s only a little piece of it, I’m not done yet. Another reason I think is because I suffer from wasted youth…say it with me…”wasted youth”, there you go. Wasted youth is when you spend your entire teenage years and don’t accomplish anything. The only thing I accomplished as a teen was how to get the blunt rolled tight enough to have a nice slow smooth pull, so that it wouldn’t burn to fast. I didn’t do any sports, or have any hobbies or involved in any clubs. I wasn’t involved in anything to help me progress socially or academically. I just sat around and did nothing, hence wasted youth. Another fact is I’m jealous of young people. They have many choices laid out and they can pick and choose and do anything they want because they have time to do so, be who they want to be, discover their personality/traits, they can learn a new sport, learn to skateboard, learn to be a dancer, find the boy, learn to play instruments etc., My time is up so to speak. You literally can’t teach old dogs new tricks. Everyone keeps saying, “Oh you’re just getting started” or “oh you’re in your prime” etc... BULLSHIT! This is all stuff people say to psych themselves out and to have something to believe in. If they believe that they’re just getting started then they won’t feel so miserable and like a failure. Yes I am a failure and I am miserable but at least I’m not trying to fool myself into believe I am somebody.
That also could be the reason I’m heavily attracted to younger men. But it’s pathetic to be pining over a 18 year old therefore I’ll probably never settle down and do the whole marriage baby thing because I’m just not really all that into the older ones, nothing exciting about them.
This is just all my opinion so….so on and so on
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Only God Can Judge Me...
...but He’s not here right now!
So instead the fate of my future and well being is left up to a panel of 3-5!
WTF man! Who cares about what I did 11 years ago? Huh? Who the fuck cares about that?
So instead the fate of my future and well being is left up to a panel of 3-5!
WTF man! Who cares about what I did 11 years ago? Huh? Who the fuck cares about that?
There once was this girl, this girl, this girl. Who is this girl, who is she, who is she, who is she? No one knows her, no one sees her, and no one likes her. She’s always alone, forever always alone. She has nothing; she is nothing, what is nothing? Life Death, Life Death. They go hand in hand. You can’t have life without Death. Its coming, its coming, its coming. Before she arrives? Do what you want to do, whatever the fuck you want to do. Only worry about you? Isolation? Happy? Sad? Grieve? Frustration? Envy? Power?
BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!
BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Men: Get out while you can!
I have a huge disease and it’s called ATTACHMENT!
Ok now, we see what happened with the last episode. But I was just stupid in that case and even my sister says, “You knew he was out of your league from the jump, so that’s your fault”. Oftentimes she’s right about life issues and relationships but shhhh…don’t you dare tell her I said that.
Anyway now I’ve met a new fella that we’ll call, Martin. Now Martin is a lot “different” than me but who ever makes you happy IF in fact that person does make you happy and isn’t a total tool. Not saying that Martin is a tool but just in case he turns out to be. Oh gosh, I’m jumping way ahead of myself so let me just try and stay on track.
There is really nothing I need to tell you about Martin because the whole topic here is my Attachment issues. I tend to latch on to quickly to the first person that shows interest and tells me stuff that may or may not be true I just eat that shit right up and bam, you got me. Then to quote my knowledgeable sis again “once they know they got you they flip the fucking script”. And I know this is true so what is it that makes me keep doing it time after time after time again. If you’re the tiniest bit handsome, and nice, and tender, and cuddly, and attentive, then I’m putty in your fucking hands and I’ll do anything for you, except if it’s going to make me unhappy. But like, as far as giving you something or taking your somewhere or all the small shit, ask it and you shall receive. Very few people know that about me, well except for the aforementioned wise one, but other than that no one knows.
Okay let me breakdown a few hypothetical scenarios to give a clearer understanding.
If girl meets guy and the guy appears to be the least bit interested that her first mistake in believing that right there.
Okay now, guy calls girl that night and they chat it up a bit and he’s kicking the bo bo about how he thinks she’s attractive and how he’d like to get to know her better and take her out, whole time she’s sitting there eating this shit up like, can it be? Is it possible? Does he really? And in her mind she’s already fast forwarded and can see exactly how this “relationship” is playing out scene by scene. Now think for a minute now, this is the very first phone conversation. Yeah…see the problem yet?
Well let’s delve deeper.
So it’s the day after and she receives a text message mid day that could read something as simple as, “how’s it going”. She smiles down at this text with adoration and thinks, “He likes me”. She’s looking forward to tonight’s conversation on the phone. The day wears on and then she’s home getting ancy because the hour is approaching that he called the night before so of course he’s going to call same time, or close to it, tonight.
Nothing…
Nothing…
Nothing…
She looks at the phone, “is it dead? Maybe the ringer is too low”. Now I don’t know how to explain the feeling but it’s like butterflies in your stomach and a tightening in your throat and a jittery feeling when you’re highly anticipating something. Or when your nervous going on an interview or first day on a new job maybe. But it just feels weird, she becomes annoyed then angry and does stupid shit like…put the phone on vibrate, walk off somewhere or go talk outside to some people because she just knows that when she returns to the phone, the message light will be blinking. That’s some retarded as shit right? I know.
Now sometimes when this routine is performed the light will in fact be blinking. But not because of some divine act of mystery that due to her stepping away for 10 minutes channeled his mind to text or some shit. But simply because taking her mind off of it for a few minutes and not having a fucking panic attack staring at the phone is soothing for this ritual.
Now that ritual mentioned above will be performed throughout, it won’t ever stop. Waiting on text, emails, phone calls the whole nine. Anxiously and impatiently
Okay so on it goes, he doesn’t call. She’s pissed as hell and now thinking he’s scum. But then…………..
EUREKA!!!
The phone rings and it’s him and she’s smiling and happy and blushing completely forgetting that she was certified crazy an hour ago and it’s all good.
Except for on an on it goes, he comes past she’s giddy as a school girl.
He doesn’t and she’s clinically proven again.
Then she starts acting weird asking stupid questions like, “what is it that you want”? And “where do you want this to go?” and she’ll send a text or email saying “if you don’t want to talk to me then keep it 100 and just say that”? LMAO mind you this is the 3-4 day they’ve even known one another!!! This activity causes the guy to push back because the challenge is no more, she wants him and he knows it so it’s easy also prohibiting the natural projection of a blossoming friendship or relationship, which ever way it goes it won’t go because he things you’re a clingy weird obsessive nut case. Off with her head!!
Then she’s been rejected again and it’s just dumb! Lol.
So now the big question for you all is why?
Ok now, we see what happened with the last episode. But I was just stupid in that case and even my sister says, “You knew he was out of your league from the jump, so that’s your fault”. Oftentimes she’s right about life issues and relationships but shhhh…don’t you dare tell her I said that.
Anyway now I’ve met a new fella that we’ll call, Martin. Now Martin is a lot “different” than me but who ever makes you happy IF in fact that person does make you happy and isn’t a total tool. Not saying that Martin is a tool but just in case he turns out to be. Oh gosh, I’m jumping way ahead of myself so let me just try and stay on track.
There is really nothing I need to tell you about Martin because the whole topic here is my Attachment issues. I tend to latch on to quickly to the first person that shows interest and tells me stuff that may or may not be true I just eat that shit right up and bam, you got me. Then to quote my knowledgeable sis again “once they know they got you they flip the fucking script”. And I know this is true so what is it that makes me keep doing it time after time after time again. If you’re the tiniest bit handsome, and nice, and tender, and cuddly, and attentive, then I’m putty in your fucking hands and I’ll do anything for you, except if it’s going to make me unhappy. But like, as far as giving you something or taking your somewhere or all the small shit, ask it and you shall receive. Very few people know that about me, well except for the aforementioned wise one, but other than that no one knows.
Okay let me breakdown a few hypothetical scenarios to give a clearer understanding.
If girl meets guy and the guy appears to be the least bit interested that her first mistake in believing that right there.
Okay now, guy calls girl that night and they chat it up a bit and he’s kicking the bo bo about how he thinks she’s attractive and how he’d like to get to know her better and take her out, whole time she’s sitting there eating this shit up like, can it be? Is it possible? Does he really? And in her mind she’s already fast forwarded and can see exactly how this “relationship” is playing out scene by scene. Now think for a minute now, this is the very first phone conversation. Yeah…see the problem yet?
Well let’s delve deeper.
So it’s the day after and she receives a text message mid day that could read something as simple as, “how’s it going”. She smiles down at this text with adoration and thinks, “He likes me”. She’s looking forward to tonight’s conversation on the phone. The day wears on and then she’s home getting ancy because the hour is approaching that he called the night before so of course he’s going to call same time, or close to it, tonight.
Nothing…
Nothing…
Nothing…
She looks at the phone, “is it dead? Maybe the ringer is too low”. Now I don’t know how to explain the feeling but it’s like butterflies in your stomach and a tightening in your throat and a jittery feeling when you’re highly anticipating something. Or when your nervous going on an interview or first day on a new job maybe. But it just feels weird, she becomes annoyed then angry and does stupid shit like…put the phone on vibrate, walk off somewhere or go talk outside to some people because she just knows that when she returns to the phone, the message light will be blinking. That’s some retarded as shit right? I know.
Now sometimes when this routine is performed the light will in fact be blinking. But not because of some divine act of mystery that due to her stepping away for 10 minutes channeled his mind to text or some shit. But simply because taking her mind off of it for a few minutes and not having a fucking panic attack staring at the phone is soothing for this ritual.
Now that ritual mentioned above will be performed throughout, it won’t ever stop. Waiting on text, emails, phone calls the whole nine. Anxiously and impatiently
Okay so on it goes, he doesn’t call. She’s pissed as hell and now thinking he’s scum. But then…………..
EUREKA!!!
The phone rings and it’s him and she’s smiling and happy and blushing completely forgetting that she was certified crazy an hour ago and it’s all good.
Except for on an on it goes, he comes past she’s giddy as a school girl.
He doesn’t and she’s clinically proven again.
Then she starts acting weird asking stupid questions like, “what is it that you want”? And “where do you want this to go?” and she’ll send a text or email saying “if you don’t want to talk to me then keep it 100 and just say that”? LMAO mind you this is the 3-4 day they’ve even known one another!!! This activity causes the guy to push back because the challenge is no more, she wants him and he knows it so it’s easy also prohibiting the natural projection of a blossoming friendship or relationship, which ever way it goes it won’t go because he things you’re a clingy weird obsessive nut case. Off with her head!!
Then she’s been rejected again and it’s just dumb! Lol.
So now the big question for you all is why?
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Don't Judge Me By My Cover!
You know. Is it wrong to not care what people think about you? Is it wrong to leave your house with pajama pants on, a scarf on your head, and a pair of comfortable crocks? Why is it that people care so much about what a stranger in the street thinks about they’re appearance? These are questions that I’m faced with on a daily basis. Granted, if I’m going to work or someplace fancy where the proper attire is appropriate then of course I’d dress decent. But for a trip out of the house to run errands, it doesn’t really matter what I wear and trust, if I had a job where everyone in the office could wear pj’s to work I’d definitely put in my application for employment. Some people think that I look like I’m on welfare waiting for a check in the mail. Now that’s a bad generalization because what if I were just that? Does that mean I’m not a nice person?
Now, theweighicyit, there is no need for me to get all red carpeted to leave the house because no matter what I dress in no one cares. And I refer to “no one” as the opposite sex. Of course I think it’s nice to have a boyfriend or companion or whatever but it is NOT necessary. A man is not air. A man is not oxygen. A man is not food. A man is not water. These are things I NEED. A man? I don’t. Maybe if I believed there was still some hope left for me then I might care a little teeny bit but for a long time now I’ve been fine with that.
Let’s revert back to the fucked up shit that happened, when, for the first time in a long time I slipped up and imprudently let myself think that there was actually someone interested in me.
“I wasn’t really feelin’ you”
Ahhh yes…that’s it….that’s what the young lad said. That he wasn’t really feelin’ me.
So that incident only proved me correct when I say who the fuck cares!!!
I mean shit… you can have a package all wrapped up in fancy paper with satin ribbons and bows and its pretty enough to sit under the tree at the Macy’s Christmas Parade. But when you open that pretty packaging you reveal the Huge Pile Of Human Waste on the inside. So why bother?
Now, theweighicyit, there is no need for me to get all red carpeted to leave the house because no matter what I dress in no one cares. And I refer to “no one” as the opposite sex. Of course I think it’s nice to have a boyfriend or companion or whatever but it is NOT necessary. A man is not air. A man is not oxygen. A man is not food. A man is not water. These are things I NEED. A man? I don’t. Maybe if I believed there was still some hope left for me then I might care a little teeny bit but for a long time now I’ve been fine with that.
Let’s revert back to the fucked up shit that happened, when, for the first time in a long time I slipped up and imprudently let myself think that there was actually someone interested in me.
“I wasn’t really feelin’ you”
Ahhh yes…that’s it….that’s what the young lad said. That he wasn’t really feelin’ me.
So that incident only proved me correct when I say who the fuck cares!!!
I mean shit… you can have a package all wrapped up in fancy paper with satin ribbons and bows and its pretty enough to sit under the tree at the Macy’s Christmas Parade. But when you open that pretty packaging you reveal the Huge Pile Of Human Waste on the inside. So why bother?
Friday, April 17, 2009
“I wasn’t really feelin’ you”
Wednesday night will forever be embedded into my memory for many reasons. It was a very fun and eventful night. I got drunk with my girl, felt up a little by some boys ate a piece of bomb as chicken, pee’d outside, and then took a trip out of town! No complaints. Oh wait…I do have 1 complaint…….
And so the story goes.
Remember my mind rapist? I know I know, I keep talking about this mutherfucka but believe me folks. This will be the last rant about that idiot because my feelings have been hurt and I’m done harping on it so just shut the fuck and listen!!
Anyway…
Me and my sister decide to go out for some long overdue drinking. No if we can backtrack a moment to me telling you that the rapist called me to say that he was ready and that he’d prove it and all that, right? Well I decided that since I would be on his side of town that I would call his bluff and see if he finally wanted to meet up with me in person. Get this thing started so to speak, right? Throughout this whole ordeal he’s been telling me how “sexy” or “cute” he thinks I am. He once told me this story about how he met a girl in person from online and, well to shorten his little tale things aren’t what they seem. All in all, the chick was ugly and didn’t look anything like her photos. At that point I decided to send him some full body shots of myself so that there’d be no surprises upon meeting. After he received the pics via email he said that he liked what he saw. What a crock of shit ass lie that turned out to be…
And again I’ll say, WHY THE FUCK DOES THE MALE COUNTERPART LIE SO FUCKING MUCH???
Ok, so the plan is to meet at the Safeway in river town. I leave my sister for a few moments (don’t worry she’s in good hands) and I drive down to the location. He flashed his lights so that I would see him and I go and pull alongside his car. He cracked his window then I left my car to enter his. Finally, this is it. I’m sitting here with this fine ass piece of meat and it’s a little awkward of course. We have a short meaningless conversation about drinking his broken arm rest and that stupid hat he was wearing. Afterwards it’s time for me to get on and leave.
Ok so I’m back at the bar and I want to know what he thinks so I texted him and asked.
“I wasn’t really feelin’ you”
Were his exact words! I was stuck on fucking stupid so the only thing I could respond back was “ok”. I’m embarrassed as hell and I feel like an idiot! I replay the situation over and over in my mind where I asked him what he thought of me while still sitting in his car, he said that and I stole the cow shit out of his ass and was on my way! But then I blink and come back to reality. My reality. The pitiful ass reality that I will never be attractive to the opposite sex!!
And so the story goes.
Remember my mind rapist? I know I know, I keep talking about this mutherfucka but believe me folks. This will be the last rant about that idiot because my feelings have been hurt and I’m done harping on it so just shut the fuck and listen!!
Anyway…
Me and my sister decide to go out for some long overdue drinking. No if we can backtrack a moment to me telling you that the rapist called me to say that he was ready and that he’d prove it and all that, right? Well I decided that since I would be on his side of town that I would call his bluff and see if he finally wanted to meet up with me in person. Get this thing started so to speak, right? Throughout this whole ordeal he’s been telling me how “sexy” or “cute” he thinks I am. He once told me this story about how he met a girl in person from online and, well to shorten his little tale things aren’t what they seem. All in all, the chick was ugly and didn’t look anything like her photos. At that point I decided to send him some full body shots of myself so that there’d be no surprises upon meeting. After he received the pics via email he said that he liked what he saw. What a crock of shit ass lie that turned out to be…
And again I’ll say, WHY THE FUCK DOES THE MALE COUNTERPART LIE SO FUCKING MUCH???
Ok, so the plan is to meet at the Safeway in river town. I leave my sister for a few moments (don’t worry she’s in good hands) and I drive down to the location. He flashed his lights so that I would see him and I go and pull alongside his car. He cracked his window then I left my car to enter his. Finally, this is it. I’m sitting here with this fine ass piece of meat and it’s a little awkward of course. We have a short meaningless conversation about drinking his broken arm rest and that stupid hat he was wearing. Afterwards it’s time for me to get on and leave.
Ok so I’m back at the bar and I want to know what he thinks so I texted him and asked.
“I wasn’t really feelin’ you”
Were his exact words! I was stuck on fucking stupid so the only thing I could respond back was “ok”. I’m embarrassed as hell and I feel like an idiot! I replay the situation over and over in my mind where I asked him what he thought of me while still sitting in his car, he said that and I stole the cow shit out of his ass and was on my way! But then I blink and come back to reality. My reality. The pitiful ass reality that I will never be attractive to the opposite sex!!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
“Men who call women Sexy only want one thing, the key word…”Sex”. Women are Beautiful Not Sexy, They become Sexy when they’re your Woman.”
So, my out on bail mind rapist has contacted me again after oh about…2 weeks of silence. I had honestly forgotten all about him and moved on with my non-life. Yesterday I got a “text” saying that he’s ready to be with me now. How the fuck is he ready to be with me when he doesn’t even know me. And will never know me because he can’t even call and have a conversation but instead sends a series of ineffective text messages. Obviously he’s bored and ready to play some more games. I will not be victimized this time and believe that he’s sincere. I respond with a huge LOL! On he goes talking that bull. Apparently he’s serious and I take him for a joke. So I simply say “PROVE IT”, knowing that he can’t because that would mean gearing up for a chase and how dare any man want to chase a woman when there are plenty of prepared whores ready for the takin’. What makes this dude think he’s so special that he can just play with minds? You know, he still hasn’t even called yet, only a lonely text last night asking when he’s going to see me. What a fucking joke, LoL! But then again by me even humoring him and telling him to prove it I’ve already become a victim because on the inside I want him to prove it, prove me wrong. The one thing I should have done was ignored the entire text and not given him the satisfaction. Because whether I believe him or not he believes that I believe him so in his mind he’s won the game and I’m just another stupid girl.
WELL FUCK THAT!!!!
I got me some thinking to do so I’ll get back to you if I don’t hurt myself.
So, my out on bail mind rapist has contacted me again after oh about…2 weeks of silence. I had honestly forgotten all about him and moved on with my non-life. Yesterday I got a “text” saying that he’s ready to be with me now. How the fuck is he ready to be with me when he doesn’t even know me. And will never know me because he can’t even call and have a conversation but instead sends a series of ineffective text messages. Obviously he’s bored and ready to play some more games. I will not be victimized this time and believe that he’s sincere. I respond with a huge LOL! On he goes talking that bull. Apparently he’s serious and I take him for a joke. So I simply say “PROVE IT”, knowing that he can’t because that would mean gearing up for a chase and how dare any man want to chase a woman when there are plenty of prepared whores ready for the takin’. What makes this dude think he’s so special that he can just play with minds? You know, he still hasn’t even called yet, only a lonely text last night asking when he’s going to see me. What a fucking joke, LoL! But then again by me even humoring him and telling him to prove it I’ve already become a victim because on the inside I want him to prove it, prove me wrong. The one thing I should have done was ignored the entire text and not given him the satisfaction. Because whether I believe him or not he believes that I believe him so in his mind he’s won the game and I’m just another stupid girl.
WELL FUCK THAT!!!!
I got me some thinking to do so I’ll get back to you if I don’t hurt myself.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The Witch Rode My Back
Yes my blog title is 'Confessions of a Neurotic Hypochondriac' so let me delve into that for a little bit. Reason being I’m afraid as shit to meet my maker. I don’t want to die and it scares the shit out of me that it can happen at any given moment with no warning at all. Some people mistake my fascination…no scratch that because I’m hardly fascinated with death. But they mistake my concern as the exact opposite and think that I’m suicidal. I R.O.T.F.&.L.M.A.O at that! It’s just that I can feel every little thing that goes on, in and out of my body and I witness things happening that shouldn’t be happening. Like right this very moment I feel sort of a cramp? Or pain? Or shit it feels like air is moving in my back. That’s the best fucking way I can explain it…now this could be Pulmonary Embolism, which is the sudden blocking of one of the arteries of the lung by matter in the blood, such as a blood clot, fat, fragments of a cancerous tumor or an air bubble. The blockage prevents enough oxygen-rich blood from reaching the tissues of the lung, causing lung tissue to die. If the clot is large, it can strain the heart or even cause death. Now I’ve been feeling this for a few days now and sometimes its worst sometimes not. I lie awake most night scared as shit and waiting, which brings me to the other night while trying to sleep.
THE WITCH RODE MY BACK!
The Mexicans describe this as “the dead getting on top” Scientist would say it’s Sleep Paralysis. Either way you say it, it freaked me the fuck out.
This is what happened;
On Saturday morning at about 3:30 a.m, I was laying in bed watching t.v. I started dosing off a little bit so I turned the television off. As I lay there with my eyes closed I started to become uncomfortable and started shifting and turning a bit, my breathing feels a little forced like I can’t get a good breathe in and pains are in my chest (sometimes head) but this time chest. I continue to shift restlessly and I’m feeling a little bit more panicked. I try to ignore it and breathe slowly in and out but the feeling is still ongoing. I put my fingers to my wrist to see if my heart is beating too fast. It is. I can feel it beating against the mattress and hear it in my ears. I’m on the verge of a total meltdown but only on the inside because to any onlooker I’d appear to just be lying there. But the war is going on inside me as I try and lay there with my eyes closed and ignore this hellish experience. Minutes pass and as I try to move positions I realize I CAN’T…I CANNOT MOVE! WTF!! I CANNOT EVEN OPEN MY EYES!!
Imagine – A 600 lb person that’s 6’ tall lying on your back covering you from head to toe and your stuck in that position on your stomach.
Moving would prove fucking impossible and that’s exactly what it was. IMPOSSIBLE!!
I’m in full panic mode now and all I want is for this fat bitch to get the fuck off me so I can move and breathe.
This goes on for what feels like a very long time when finally I break free, it’s like when your pushing against a door that won’t budge and your pushing with all your mite and everything inside you when suddenly the door opens and a flying you go.
I jumped off that bed so fast and flew into the hall outside my bedroom. I stood there looking. Waiting. I walked back into my room, turned on the light and the TV and started balling!!! I was terrified. By now I think it’s about 4:30 or so and the last time I remember seeing on the clock before I fell asleep (light and TV still on) was 6 A.M.
And that’s that!! WTF is happening to me? Am I crazy? Do I need to see a doctor?
My Godmother simply stated that it’s nothing but the Devil and that Until I forgive myself for something’s I’ve done then I’ll be tortured in a sense.
THE WITCH RODE MY BACK!
The Mexicans describe this as “the dead getting on top” Scientist would say it’s Sleep Paralysis. Either way you say it, it freaked me the fuck out.
This is what happened;
On Saturday morning at about 3:30 a.m, I was laying in bed watching t.v. I started dosing off a little bit so I turned the television off. As I lay there with my eyes closed I started to become uncomfortable and started shifting and turning a bit, my breathing feels a little forced like I can’t get a good breathe in and pains are in my chest (sometimes head) but this time chest. I continue to shift restlessly and I’m feeling a little bit more panicked. I try to ignore it and breathe slowly in and out but the feeling is still ongoing. I put my fingers to my wrist to see if my heart is beating too fast. It is. I can feel it beating against the mattress and hear it in my ears. I’m on the verge of a total meltdown but only on the inside because to any onlooker I’d appear to just be lying there. But the war is going on inside me as I try and lay there with my eyes closed and ignore this hellish experience. Minutes pass and as I try to move positions I realize I CAN’T…I CANNOT MOVE! WTF!! I CANNOT EVEN OPEN MY EYES!!
Imagine – A 600 lb person that’s 6’ tall lying on your back covering you from head to toe and your stuck in that position on your stomach.
Moving would prove fucking impossible and that’s exactly what it was. IMPOSSIBLE!!
I’m in full panic mode now and all I want is for this fat bitch to get the fuck off me so I can move and breathe.
This goes on for what feels like a very long time when finally I break free, it’s like when your pushing against a door that won’t budge and your pushing with all your mite and everything inside you when suddenly the door opens and a flying you go.
I jumped off that bed so fast and flew into the hall outside my bedroom. I stood there looking. Waiting. I walked back into my room, turned on the light and the TV and started balling!!! I was terrified. By now I think it’s about 4:30 or so and the last time I remember seeing on the clock before I fell asleep (light and TV still on) was 6 A.M.
And that’s that!! WTF is happening to me? Am I crazy? Do I need to see a doctor?
My Godmother simply stated that it’s nothing but the Devil and that Until I forgive myself for something’s I’ve done then I’ll be tortured in a sense.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I Cried Mind Fuck!
WTF? In recent discoveries and upon further investigation I have concluded that the man allegedly accused of being a mind rapist is innocent. He is without a shadow of a doubt...
Out
of
My
Fucking
League!!!
Now granted your boy does look a little suspect in that photo there but you get the comparison.
What the fuck was I thinking in the first place. Thinking that I could hook, line and sink a hot piece of man meat like that? I should have dug a little deeper as I normally would have done but I was... *gulps back bile* ... dare I say...a little desperate?
Ugh.. yes I was desperate for some fucking companionship for a little while, therefore the first male showing throwing me some attention up caught that shit right in the fucking gut! ahhh well. I definitely don't feel rejected anymore because you can't feel it when you know damn well it's out of your reach in the first place.
The Ultimate Mind Fuck
First things first.
What is up with the male counterpart and their total inability to be straightforward. We as women convince ourselves each and everyday that men want a woman that's upfront, direct, bold. Fuck that! I may be the last woman on this planet that thinks that the shy, innocent routine still works. Then again I'm probably just dumb as shit because the shit wasn't working for me. Hence, I tried the bold bullshit and guess what? The shit still didn't fucking work. What the fuck is up with that?
Act 1:
I meet this guy online...don't role your eyes at the fucking monitor. Like you've never done it. Well in any event this was my "almost" first time meeting a guy online and I say almost to say the motherfucker act like he scared or something...
Okay backtrack, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Act 1 Take 2. I met this guy online about 3 weeks ago who is very attractive. At first we're just leaving little messages back and forth online and it's cool or whatever. Until I decide to try this bold shit out and let him know that I'm feeling him a little bit and I wouldn't mind getting to know him a little better. OK, so he says the same, that it's cool and gave me his number. Now I'm not so sure that I should call because I'm like this is bullshit. It's been so long since I've conversed with the opposite sex that I'm a little nervous.
I finally contact him and he's like "I've been waiting to hear from you". He remembers who I am and he's been waiting to hear from me? I'm a little excited. Yeah I know, not much to be excited about but when it comes to our counterparts, I'm a little over the top. Oh and BTW, this first form of communication other than online was through text. Now I did initially "call" him but instead of answering the phone? He texts me right back, (red flag 1). I told him (through text) that it was OK for him to call me on that number when ever he wants or gets a chance. He says "OK, I'm a little busy at the moment but first chance I will".
Yes! He’s gonna contact me as soon as he can because he really wants to talk to me.
Moving on...the rest of that afternoon we're having a deep "texting" conversation and he's telling me a little about him, likes, dislikes, peeves, and I'm doing the same. Next morning...I'm at work and he text, "good morning" we text a bit.
That night... I'm in my room getting ready to lie down and be lazy when the fucking phone rings! Son of a bitch! He's actually calling. I hop over to the phone , "hello?" he's saying all the right things asking all the right question, by now I'm already thinking about when and how he's going to hold me in his arms. I know pathetic right, but what gives a man the fucking right to just lie like that, I hate them motherfuckers!!! "whew" OK . So. over the course of the next week or so. I barely talk to him and it's like I'm over it. Then the motherfucker text again. "wasup" the text reads. Matter fact, I'm gonna give this one to you ver-fucking-batum.
My captor: "wasup"
Me: "nothing, hey"
My Captor: "how was work"
Me: "it was alright" My Captor: "what are you upset or something"
Me: "lol, No. I'm shocked"
My Captor: "why"
Me: "because i didn't think I'd hear from you again"
My Captor: "Don't be ridiculous, I've just been going through some shit at home, it's not personal"
Me: "Well, true i don't know you really well and you don't have to tell me your business. but you could have at least kept it 100 and just been like, 'I'm dealing with some stuff and I'll hit u up in a few days' or something."
My Captor: "you're right, I apologize"
Me: "and besides, I'm a great listener if you ever do want to talk"
-Commercial break for our sponsors-
Okay, what do you think so far folks? sounds like a not so bad starting point for 2 beings to start to get to know each other, right? that's what i thought. But that's the kind of shit boys/men say to mind FUCK you! Mind RAPE you! -Now back to our program already in progress-
My Captor: “that’s cool."
My Captor: "Sike, do you want to know what would make me feel better though?"
Me: "what?"
My Captor: "Seeing you naked, lol." <--- red flag #2? depends. he continues, "but for real, hearing from you more often." Me: "well you can definitely hear from me more often but keep in honest and get to know me and we'll talk about the other." My Captor: "lol, I like a challenge." So really from there the conversation sort of trailed off. So...the next day. Nothing...all the way up to that night. He texts me, I texts back and then...Nothing.
The day after that? I called him and we talked on the phone for about 45 minutes, nothing really serious but just casual convo, humor, getting a feel for one another more.
Which brings me to the present. This idiot motherfucker texts me the day before yesterday saying "wasup". I haven't really heard a damn thing from him so i throw a casual "hey" in response. and Nothing... no text back no nothing for a good while. so i decide to call, no answer. And I haven't hear a peep from him since. my captor has reached his goal and pulls out. achieving the ultimate mind rape and I'm looking stupid for if keeping count would be the 14 time in my existence. okay, everybody at once...WTF?!? I thought about sending a final message online or texting or just calling and leaving a message saying that I wouldn't press charges or say anything about the rape but looks like i just spilled all the beans here.
What is up with the male counterpart and their total inability to be straightforward. We as women convince ourselves each and everyday that men want a woman that's upfront, direct, bold. Fuck that! I may be the last woman on this planet that thinks that the shy, innocent routine still works. Then again I'm probably just dumb as shit because the shit wasn't working for me. Hence, I tried the bold bullshit and guess what? The shit still didn't fucking work. What the fuck is up with that?
Act 1:
I meet this guy online...don't role your eyes at the fucking monitor. Like you've never done it. Well in any event this was my "almost" first time meeting a guy online and I say almost to say the motherfucker act like he scared or something...
Okay backtrack, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Act 1 Take 2. I met this guy online about 3 weeks ago who is very attractive. At first we're just leaving little messages back and forth online and it's cool or whatever. Until I decide to try this bold shit out and let him know that I'm feeling him a little bit and I wouldn't mind getting to know him a little better. OK, so he says the same, that it's cool and gave me his number. Now I'm not so sure that I should call because I'm like this is bullshit. It's been so long since I've conversed with the opposite sex that I'm a little nervous.
I finally contact him and he's like "I've been waiting to hear from you". He remembers who I am and he's been waiting to hear from me? I'm a little excited. Yeah I know, not much to be excited about but when it comes to our counterparts, I'm a little over the top. Oh and BTW, this first form of communication other than online was through text. Now I did initially "call" him but instead of answering the phone? He texts me right back, (red flag 1). I told him (through text) that it was OK for him to call me on that number when ever he wants or gets a chance. He says "OK, I'm a little busy at the moment but first chance I will".
Yes! He’s gonna contact me as soon as he can because he really wants to talk to me.
Moving on...the rest of that afternoon we're having a deep "texting" conversation and he's telling me a little about him, likes, dislikes, peeves, and I'm doing the same. Next morning...I'm at work and he text, "good morning" we text a bit.
That night... I'm in my room getting ready to lie down and be lazy when the fucking phone rings! Son of a bitch! He's actually calling. I hop over to the phone , "hello?" he's saying all the right things asking all the right question, by now I'm already thinking about when and how he's going to hold me in his arms. I know pathetic right, but what gives a man the fucking right to just lie like that, I hate them motherfuckers!!! "whew" OK . So. over the course of the next week or so. I barely talk to him and it's like I'm over it. Then the motherfucker text again. "wasup" the text reads. Matter fact, I'm gonna give this one to you ver-fucking-batum.
My captor: "wasup"
Me: "nothing, hey"
My Captor: "how was work"
Me: "it was alright" My Captor: "what are you upset or something"
Me: "lol, No. I'm shocked"
My Captor: "why"
Me: "because i didn't think I'd hear from you again"
My Captor: "Don't be ridiculous, I've just been going through some shit at home, it's not personal"
Me: "Well, true i don't know you really well and you don't have to tell me your business. but you could have at least kept it 100 and just been like, 'I'm dealing with some stuff and I'll hit u up in a few days' or something."
My Captor: "you're right, I apologize"
Me: "and besides, I'm a great listener if you ever do want to talk"
-Commercial break for our sponsors-
Okay, what do you think so far folks? sounds like a not so bad starting point for 2 beings to start to get to know each other, right? that's what i thought. But that's the kind of shit boys/men say to mind FUCK you! Mind RAPE you! -Now back to our program already in progress-
My Captor: “that’s cool."
My Captor: "Sike, do you want to know what would make me feel better though?"
Me: "what?"
My Captor: "Seeing you naked, lol." <--- red flag #2? depends. he continues, "but for real, hearing from you more often." Me: "well you can definitely hear from me more often but keep in honest and get to know me and we'll talk about the other." My Captor: "lol, I like a challenge." So really from there the conversation sort of trailed off. So...the next day. Nothing...all the way up to that night. He texts me, I texts back and then...Nothing.
The day after that? I called him and we talked on the phone for about 45 minutes, nothing really serious but just casual convo, humor, getting a feel for one another more.
Which brings me to the present. This idiot motherfucker texts me the day before yesterday saying "wasup". I haven't really heard a damn thing from him so i throw a casual "hey" in response. and Nothing... no text back no nothing for a good while. so i decide to call, no answer. And I haven't hear a peep from him since. my captor has reached his goal and pulls out. achieving the ultimate mind rape and I'm looking stupid for if keeping count would be the 14 time in my existence. okay, everybody at once...WTF?!? I thought about sending a final message online or texting or just calling and leaving a message saying that I wouldn't press charges or say anything about the rape but looks like i just spilled all the beans here.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Introducing.......
MOST DESCRIBE ME AS:
Theoretical
Liar
Slacker
Abuser
Overweight
Unattractive
Pompous
Know-it-all
Practical
Naive
Unconcerned
Dysfunctional
Unbiased
Wayward
Introverted
Fearful
Mischievous
Immature
Greedy
Flawed
Intolerable
Needy
Selfish
Untrustworthy
Theoretical
Liar
Slacker
Abuser
Overweight
Unattractive
Pompous
Know-it-all
Practical
Naive
Unconcerned
Dysfunctional
Unbiased
Wayward
Introverted
Fearful
Mischievous
Immature
Greedy
Flawed
Intolerable
Needy
Selfish
Untrustworthy
So why on earth would anyone want to wife me?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They Don't
Please.
Follow me on my journey in search of knowledge, guidance, maturity and awareness as I try to find the good in me.
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